The Diary Entry

I just needed to bitch, so I wrote it all down. After realizing what I wrote, it dawned on me! I was experiencing raw feelings as a teenager. Since I am one of my own examples of the teenage experience. I thought I might share what I wrote with the rest of the world.

I am unhappy to present that almost every part of my life has fallen to shit, yet again. Hence all the dark themed posts lately. I am tired, I have no interest in anything. In short, it's safe to say I am an emotional mess.

The plan is to hide at my grandmother's house. Every time I walk into my own house, my mood goes down ten notches. When I leave it goes up five. Slowly my emotions have been depleting piece by piece.
A lot of things have been on my mind lately and I completely zoned out. My room is a mess, I've been slacking on my school work. The only thing I feel capable of accomplishing is reading about someone's miserable existence on this Earth or better yet, watching it on television.
Next complaint, not only am I getting dumb, I am getting fat. I need to escape, and make a plan to get back on track. Ugh Ef my life! Some people say stress increases endorphins, but I sincerely think that this is not the stress they are talking about!

The Big Here

It starts with, what would it be like if something happened to me. Would mom care, would a tear fall from my Father's cheeks, my step mom wouldn't even blink. No one cares.

Later your mom asks, "do you even want to be here anymore, because you're always welcome to go live with your dad." That's it the heart has shattered one thousand too many times, you've snapped. You scream "It's not that I don't want to be here, I don't want to be HERE!"

The big HERE, your mom looks confused, after a minute she gets it. The big HERE, planet earth, she realizes, that she just witnessed her own child tell her that they no longer wish they were alive. She's scared and confused and has no idea how to handle it. Her child is suicidal. No one ever thinks it will happen to them until it does.

These thoughts are normal, for anyone who is depressed, it is scary, but it occurs more often than anyone would like to admit. Even if the slightest thought comes to mind, tell some one, get help. They have no right to look at you like your insane, your depressed.

If you, or someone you know may be suicidal, please call a hot line for example:

1-800-784-2433/ 1-800-SUICIDE

You are not alone, suicide is a monster that no matter what, never deserves to win. Beat it, I did.

With tons of LOVE, Katie

Holidays and the Depressed

    Its the holidays, and the effort it takes to climb out of the bed in the morning is equivalent to the effort of pushing an elephant across the continent of Africa. Sure this is the time to be grateful for everything, but there are chemicals in the brain that  won't allow those kind of happy thoughts.
    Once, out of bed, and out doing the daily activities, putting on a face, hoping no one will notice. Those miserable feelings, the urge to cry, it's all bottled up inside. There you wish you knew what it was like to be happy.

     If you fight depression, don't let it take the holidays too. Here are a few tips.

• List a favorite Christmas song.

• List what YOU love about this time of year: focus on that and forget about everything else. It doesn't even have to be festive; it's your holiday do what you love!
• If you can't have a fantastic holiday, make it one for someone else. You can volunteer, spend time with someone who usually alone,  or make sure your little brother has the most magical holiday yet. 

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• Exercise, especially if you are depressed chances are you aren't participating in the healthiest dietary plans, how could you with all this comfort food around just waiting for a victim to drown the sorrow into it. While that might work for a little while, exercise makes endorphins, and endorphins make you happy! It's just  that simple

• Doll yourself up! That's right, put on that make up, curl that hair. Its hard not to smile when you feel pretty!

Dr. Phil In one Minute

image from timeunion.com

In life, one of the most influential factors is those who are around us. A majority of the people in society, including ourselves, obsess over how others view us. The shorter term for this is peer pressure. Those mostly effected by peer pressure, are sadly teens.

While we are so busy trying to figure out our places in this world, peer pressure surrounds us with thoughts like, “I wonder how my friends would react if I did this” or “Would my classmates laugh if I did that?”  Logically speaking, there are reasons why we think so much about the thoughts of those surrounding us.

            Peer pressure is all about acceptance. Everyone wants to be accepted. We all have this secret insecure fear of being alone, unloved and unwanted. So, when that kid in English Class brags about “getting high” at that party last Friday night, our subconscious starts using a mind all of its own. It starts thinking, “If your not like the general population, they won’t accept you, and so you too should get high.”

            This really shouldn’t be true. Actually, over the past few years the trends have shifted. Instead of trying to be “normal,” the new “normal” is being different; in a great way. Unique. Today’s society puts a huge emphasis on individuality.

So, according to logic, when you pass on that joint the chances are greater they will respect you for thinking on your own. In reality, on the other hand, for some reason I could look into some other time, they will most likely laugh hysterically at you, and look at you like you’re some little child.

Option two is more realistic, while option one makes more sense. In light of this revelation, we must ask ourselves, how do we find the balance between trying to be accepted, and not compromising our morals and beliefs?

Another Year Older And None the Wiser

Focus

Well, for the past week I have been doing my homework like the good little girl that I am. Tonight being the only night I actually had spare time to actually finish my homework, I can't do it! My concentration flew out the window. Why do we go through phases where we just don't feel like it?
Our minds are constantly racing a mile per minute always focusing on what's next rather then the task at hand. That is where the focus goes. Now, for the first time in our lives we must stop thinking ahead. Reminder: thinking ahead isn't negative, there are just certain situations thar call for it, and those who don't. When we are constantly fantasizing about what is to come how do we get the little fortune teller inside to shut up for five seconds? Maybe then we can focus on how we are getting there instead of where we are going.

The next morning I woke up energetic, it was Friday so I was automatically happy. I went through school on auto-pilot. Once home I began the lock-in by meditating. I determined as usual that my mind was cluttered. And, as usual I believed the problem stemmed from my bedroom. I can't count how many times I have posted about how messy it is, or how many times I cleaned it and some life altering revelation came to me. But, at the same time it is so true! As soon as you clean your room or your mind, something is always there to mess it up all over again. In a world of constant clutter, how can we manage to keep everything neat, organized, and simple?

I cleaned my room yet to find the answer. What I did know is that I didn't feel much better. Now I was stressing over this mountain load of homework due for Monday. I was two steps closer to zen. I just had to get through he third obstacle, my school work. It took hours to complete, I wasn't finished with it until 9:00 Saturday night. For some crazy reason, when I was little, I thought I would have some sort of social life. Instead, I stay at home in my pj's, listening to big band and swing, and doing homework. And the sad thing is, every adult. I know does says it net gets better. They would give up just about anything to be fifteen again. If this is boing to be the best part of my life, I better brace myself for the long miserable road ahead.

Lock-in

It's Thursday night and I just declared lock-in. I need to stay in my room as much as I can until I figure out what is wrong with me. My first problem would be the general lack of energy I am experiencing. So, right now at 8:12 pm on October 27, 2011 I, Katie, went to bed early for the first time in my whole high school career. Consider problem number one solved, I need more sleep!

In Celebration of the final Harry Potter movie, I have decided to show a movie on the blog. This is a spoof musical of Harry Potter, its called a very potter Musical. None of this video belongs to me; it is all property of Starkid productions. Subscribe to them on YouTube. Yes, the guy playing Harry Potter is from Glee, he's Kurt's Boyfriend. I'll post a new part every day, even after the movie premieres. So in total we will have somewhere around a MONTH OF POTTER!!! How to describe this event in one word; EPIC

Top Ten Things I Love about SUMMER!!!

1. No high school drama or stress
2. Romance
3. Music
4. Summer jobs
5. Free Time (to use In a productive way)
6. Reading a good book
7. Sleeping in
8. No dressing up in the morning
9. Not having to ride that stupid bus "ahh the smell of weed and oatmeal in the morning"
10. Preparing for next school year

Happy Indepence Day!!!!

Happy Independence Day!!!! 

Here is to a day where for a moment we can put aside our political differences, and thank God that we are still free. Thank God, that everyone in this country has the Freedom to practice any Religion they want. Thank God that we still have the right to see fireworks on this very special night!

Remember our Founding Fathers who did the paper work to declare this country free, but don't forget the soldiers who do more important job of keeping the United States country free.

Most importantly don't forget to enjoy the time you spend with your families. Have fun with the ones you love!



Note: I don't own these pictures!

Makes me cry

Almost forgot about the song until I heard it on the advertisement for the new Winnie the Pooh movie!

Funny Guy Explains "Love at first sight" ...Enough Said

Video is not my property: just promoting this guys video...

Its kind of funny too..

when you think about it!

Dustland Fairytale

Song: Dustland Fairytale
Artist: The Killers

Its so sad to see this band not together. Everyone misses them so much. What about this song and video is not loveable. Especially at the end when he finds her after all those years. Why was Cinderella looking for a night gown? Is the Devil prince charming? An interesting twist. There is something classy about trash. Just ask the Killers!                            

The Trampoline

     So here I am. I'm writing Monday's blog post on the family trampoline. For some reason it's not as romantic as I originally believed it to be. Luckily, on the other hand, my siblings are no where to be found. 
     I've never noticed before, but this trampoline is put in the most perfect spot in the backyard. It is located so that there is a complete view of the entire house, including the back porch. Today has by far, been the nicest day of 2011.
     To the left is the yellow brick fire pit. This pit is strictly used for burning leaves, sticks, and garbage. I am surrounded by a fence of fully grown pine trees, secluding the yard from the rest of the world, and preserving a small piece of country.
     In front of the back row of pine trees is a small garden that produces the sweetest concord grapes. This garden also provides a variety of fresh herbs including, cool mint leaves my sister and I chew on during the summer months. While on the subject of fresh produce provided by my back yard is the mulberry tree located left of that fire pit. In front of the fire pit is an apple tree that at one time abundantly produced apples until the day my father decided to trim it. Unfortunately he went to far with the chain saw, that tree hasn't grown an apple since.
    At the center of the yard is a mammoth tree hanging from this monster tree is the tire swing that I have pushed my sister in a countless number of times. Also by this tree is a mannequin deer my father uses for target practice during archery season.
    In front of the trampoline are two unnessairy trees. They have no use, yet I couldn't possibly imagine the backyard without them standing tall in their dominating positions. On the other side ot this is this acre and a half yard is the back porch used for entertaining, grilling, and just plain simple summer fun.
    In front of this porch is a circular above ground swimming pool with a newly constructed deck. To the left of this porch is a mini barn-like shed served as my gymnastics space.
     After my step mom signed my sister up for gymnastics, I was so jealous. Gymnastics was my dream, so I began to secretly practice my gymnastics begind the shed. Being a chubby 12 year old, I was sure that the sight of my gymnastics could be considered a comedy act for any circus, therefore I would hide behind this shed.
     Yup,  I am positive that growing up with this backyard is probably a dream of any child at some point or another. When I was a young child I would have loved to have a yard like this.
      You see this is my father's house; I only get to visit here sometimes. He, his wife, and their daughter (my sister) moved here when I was twelve. Although, I was still young when they moved in, they didn't get all of the cool stuff until I was older.
     Don't get me wrong this is a very enjoyable place. And as a teenager, but as a child seeing it through their eyes would be so much cooler.
     Luckily for my sister, this is all she's ever known. And preasently, at the age of six is enjoying this childhood.
     Secretly I do the same thing. When no one is looking, I transform into my inner child and re-live what I never had. Endless hours of jumping, swinging, swimming. The heated arguments of my then married parents are nowhere to be heard.

MY LATEST OBSESSION

     Is it sexist to think in this day and age people should have manners? Is it wrong for gentlemen to be chivalrous, and ladies to be classy? Am I the only one who is repulsed when she hears her fellow sister peers use profanity as many times a they can fit it into a sentence? (not saying I don’t use it either, if you. know me or read this blog you’d know that) Is it sexist to say that when people use manners they will get farther ahead in life.
     For instance, would you fall for the slob with the constantly stained shirt, or the romantic, who, when with you, opens every single door for his lady? It is a fact the people who use etiquette are classy. Everyone knows classy leads to respected, and respected leads to being effective. If you have a passion for what you do, you want to be effective. You want to be known for your passion.
     Victorian etiquette is, well, a little outdated. But in some ways very true. The women of the Victorian era, were obsessed over image. All though I believe that humanity needs to be real with their peers. I also believe people have a certain image that they want others to see them as.
     If I wanted to be known for my brains, the intelligence that I have in real life, you would see me reading classic novels, over this months issue of SEVENVTEEN. I guess what I’m trying to write is that your actions have to match up with how you want people to perceive you. But, at the same time you need to find a balance between perception, and the real you.
     These Victorian women were strong housewives, mothers, and domestic servants. Although, they had the hardest job in the world, and a perfect excuse to be trashy, they kept it classy. They let their man take care of them, and the threw some of the most kickin’ tea parties in town.
    Below is a link to a website about the Victorian era and it’s etiquette. Check out the link read their rules and think of how you can apply these rules to your daily life. And until next time, keep it classy! Have a fantastic weekend, and I hope to see you here on Monday!
Victorian Ettiquette

Congrats to the Newly Weds

Does anyone notice the little girl?

Yes, even small town Pennsylvania has caught wedding fever. The Brittish Royal Wedding is the only thing I have thought about for the past two days. One of the appealing aspects of this wedding is the Fairytale. Middle class girl wins the prince, and later becomes queen. At some point, every little girl has that dream. So good for Kate; she made her dreams come true.

Congratulations to Prince William for finding someone who won't be afraid to knock him down to size.

Congratulations to England for the marriage of your New.... King & Queen

Best Friends

Wise old women are probably one of the best ideas God has ever had. They give great advise, they cut to the point, and they aren't afraid to speak their minds. Today one of these wise women told me something I've been dwelling on all day.

She quoted something, although I'm not sure what. It was probably from the bible, and it was something like, "Man walks through this world alone, if he can go to his grave knowing he had one true friend to walk with,  then he should know he is blessed." That best friend is some one you should never let go of, a best friend is stronger than a sister, or brother.

A best friend is not that popular girl used to help your social status. The best friend is the person you help plan each others futures with. You can tell each other anything, you can cry in front of each other, and most importantly a best friend can be trusted.

You will get seemingly close with other people, and that's fine, but those people won't be there for you all the time. As soon as their bored, they will reject you. A best friend is for life. A best friend will never reject you. Your best friend will love you for who you are.

Do not take your Best Friend For Granted

Wise old woman are wise for a reason, experience. If there is one thing we can learn from them, its this

Goals

Goals. Everyone has goals. Big ones small ones, goals are what humanity has to look forword to. Goals gives people their feeling of self worth.

Shoot for the stars, and dream as much as possible.

But do not forget the humble beginnings that serve as the launching pad for goals. Do not forget to stop and smell the wildflowers along the road.

Goals change, life changes, how can goals be kept top of mind. Unexpected events occur, people just grow out of their phases. Goals lead us to expecting things that may never happen.

Are goals safe?  Are goals stable?

Who has the answer?

No one.

Take a leap of faith, set goals, or

Wonder what could've been

Goals lead to potential. Goals Lead to down fall

Or is that the risk?

Goals make you.

You are your goals.

  

Step...Dad?

First, I want you to know that I hate you.

You are kind

You are chivalrous

You care about my mom

You are all she thinks about twenty-four/seven

You hold her when the both of you sit on the couch

You treat her like a princess

You make her feel special

You make her feel loved

You love her

You make her happy

I hate you for all of these reasons

You make her feel the way my dad never could

You are replacing him in her eyes

But, to me you are not a replacement for my dad

I love my dad

You are not my dad

You are probably “Gandhi” compared to him

But I will always hold more respect for him

I am grateful to you .

You are kind you are chivalrous

You care for my mom

You are all she thinks about twenty-four/seven

You hold her when the both of you sit on the couch

You treat her like a princess

You make her feel special

You make her feel loved

You love her

You make her happy

She is happy

The happiest she’s been in Ten Long Years

Your making her forget the pain of their divorce

For that, you have gained my respect

Welcome to the family

Playing Cards With Myself in the Mirror: How to Beat Negative Images of Yourself

            Every morning, when I’m finished preparing for school, I give myself a once over in the mirror. At least, that’s how it starts. It progresses to a fifth over, and then an all out session of me insulting myself about the way I look. I know for a fact that I’m not the only one who partakes in this ritual, and, I know there’s a way to beat her.

            Her. The evil girl in the mirror. You see this “ritual” is like a humongous game of Go-Fish, and she always wins. For every one thing I find good about myself in the mirror, she finds two bad. I don’t really blame her for trying to hurt me, that’s all she has to look forward to. She’s trapped in a mirror, she has no social life, I could go on about how miserable she is but, its just not worth it. She has been winning since I was six years old. She never neglects to remind me…

“You, INSERT NAME HERE, are a fat, ugly, girl. Have you seen those stretch marks on your thighs? Have you know self respect. Are you really wearing that to school, even though you look like a freak? Every time you sit down your rolls will bulge out of  that dress.  No, your no Emily, that girl is perfect! She is tall blonde skinny, and has an amazing smile, every time you smile you just look constipated. She Is everything you wish you were. Awww. Don’t cry like that you’ll make your face even more puffy than it already is. Hey, thunder thighs, no man will ever love you. You will die alone. Or worse! You’ll end up like your mom! Did you know that you, a freshman, are the only girl you know that a guy hasn’t been interested in. Hahahahahahaha! Nice try fatso! I WIN!!!!”

            Almost ten years later I have finally found a way to beat her. Yes, its sneaky, and probably considered cheating, but for my sanity. Just once I NEED TO WIN! So last night. I hid an ace up my sleeve; metaphorically.

            You see, last night for some reason I couldn’t sleep. So I decided I’d play a round with her in the mirror. If this night were normal it probably would have been a bad idea; being that I was wearing a cami and my underwear. But, this night wasn’t normal, I had a revelation. I stood up on the edge of my bead as if I were about to start jumping on it like a toddler. Here I felt like, I was on a platform, I felt powerful, I made a speech; all in my underpants! I said….

            “I, INSERT NAME HERE, am a confident beautiful young woman. I am intelligent, active, and happy. So what, If I am not a size 0. As long as I’m healthy. I don’t need a man to survive, but that doesn’t mean I won’t get one. And even if I don’t. I will certainly not die alone. I will turn out to be a highly successful, respected person. I will be effective and productive. And I will definitely leave my mark on this world. Weather you like it or not! So Ha! I Win!!!”

            After my speech I looked in the mirror. I realized. I’m not morbidly obese. I could tone up but its not that bad. Those “stretch marks”  she was talking about were barely even there! I am pretty. I am smart. I am confident. I beat the bitch in the mirror.

Mumford and Sons: Stealing the Show

Artist: Mumford & Sons
Song: White Blank Page

These English hotties are taking America by storm. With their cute accents, and folk-like music, Mumford & Sons have officialy captured my heart!


                                               "Tell me now where was my faut
                                                 in loving you with my whole heart?"

My Chaotic Life

First, i want to apologize about not posting. I have not been able to write due to family crisis, and a computer virus.
Second, I would like to apologize for deleting the 3 post comparison between my stepmother and the Wicked Witch of the West.
After a crisis, there is a reminder that in this world, family is really the only thing that matters. Well that's all for tonight stay tuned on Saturday to see a new feature on interior design. So, until then, have a fantastic week!

I think I need a sunrise, i'm tired of the sunset...Song of the week

This song Is called Boston,the band is Augustina. Its older but I think it really goes with the feeling of starting over that I've had this week. And since its called Boston I'ts appropriate to the poem I wrote yesterday. So enjoy!

Suddenly I See

A fresh start, a new outlook, a new look in general.
I have never herd of someone who has never had the dream of changing, starting over.
Heck, I'm fifteen years old and I want a fresh start so bad that I CAN TASTE IT.



When I hear start over... I hear....BOSTON.
My reasons, I  CANNOT explain.
But, when I close my eyes.....

I see the fast pace RUSHING before me.
I see myself drinking a steaming cup of COFFEE on my apartment balcony, overlooking the SKYLINE.
I see myself painting a SUNRISE by the HARBOR.
I see myself meeting up with my FRIENDS at a local PUB, after a long STRESSFUL day at work.
I see myself meeting my true PRINCE CHARMING.
I see us KISSING in the RAIN.
I see our FIRST argument.
I see me leaving THINGS at his place
I see him leaving THINGS at mine.
I see us at a RED SOX game.
I see me TRUSTING him.
I see the first time I realize he's the ONE.
I see him proposing to me on a ROMANTIC cruise in the harbor.
I see our first FIGHT.
I see myself as SUCCESSFUL for the first time in my life.
I SEE MYSELF IN BOSTON.
I don't see anything else without BOSTON.
But, in Boston, I see myself as HAPPY.

Oz and Neverland

Oz and Neverland is not some cutesy name a teenage girl created

Its got soul, its got meaning, a story as well

Oz and Never land describes the journey of finding a place in this world

Somewhere over the rainbow between the second star on the right, and straight on till morning

Its less about castles, and more about a home

Its less about a character and more about finding out who you are

Its less about Prince Charming and more about true love

Its less about evil step-mothers and more about breaking the spell

Its less about fancy dressed and more about individual style

There will be trials, pirates, evil queens, wicked witches, deceitful magic mirrors, cruel kings

Along the way mermaids will frolic in the water, birds will sing in the sky, yellow brick roads will lead you on

A lost boy's crow call will wake you up after you stay the night with seven dwarfs.

Prince Charming will attempt to save you

When you get their singing mice will greet you

You will realize your not in Kansas anymore

You have your own world

When you find it, the hard part dies and, and life begins

Somewhere between Oz and Neverland

No Results

Its Saturday and I still have no results. All I have is a big bruise from where they put the needle.

Well this is the feeling for the week. This song is called Maybe by Sick Puppies. I heard it on Vh1 top twenty count down. So enjoy.

Random Thoughts on Monday's doctor's appointment

1. I'm scared, I mean what If I do have PCOS.  Will I still be able to lead a normal life.
2. Since PCOS is a hormonal imbalance, is that why I flip shit on my mom about once a week.
3. I will be able to loose weight and look normal compared to how short I am.
4. Will my periods become regular.
5. One of the symptoms of PCOS is that you get hair in unwanted places, What the Hell is that supposed to mean?
6. Will I be on medicine for the rest of my life.
7. Do you now how scary it is to think that you might never have children, even if at the moment you are telling you never want to have kids?
8. Will I get diabetes?
9. Even if I have children, will I pass it to my daughter, I mean my mother has it?
10. Where should I go to eat after my appointment?

Morning Ideas

    Plain uncreative name I know, but its the morning so what do  you expect. Today I have to give an in-class presentation. This is a very bad thing. I get so nervous, and shaky. I start to stutter, every ones eyes are judgmentally piercing my skin. I know, I know deep breaths. But if someone tells me one more time that I have to picture the class naked I will kick their shins. I'm sorry, but that is really creepy, I don't want to see those people in their underwear.
    On the other hand my presentation is basically kick ass, and I have a "presenting plan" which I hope helps me.  My mom let me sleep in today because of the presentation, I barely slept last night, and I hardly have any clothes to wear today. So I will definitely skip History, and maybe some of Bio which is okay, because we aren't doing anything besides taking notes, that I can copy off of someone else. So far today's feeling is stress...stress....stress.

Squirrels

I promised myself that I wouldn't make a big deal about the first post, but I guess it's too late for that now.
School was cancled today, so I decided to change blogs. Right when I finished the design part, I took a look ouside my window, and you will never believe what I saw. Squirrel Sex. Which by the way is not the scariest thing I have seen today, being that my mom's boyfreind stayed the night. (but that is a story for another time)
I also had my therapist appointment. There was no progress, just the thousandth realization that my step mom has been on a decade long power trip, and that she has my fathers man parts in her purse.
Later I went my dads but that was the same as normal.
Out of my eventful day the only thing that really stands out to me is, well...squirrels. Have you ever really thought about how easy squirrels have it?What if we could turn into a squirrel whenever we wanted. All we would have to do is eat, sleep, store nuts, avoid cars, and have sex on trees without ever reaping the harsh, dramatic, human consequences to their actions.
Then again every thing sounds better. We're humans we're never satisfied, thats just what we do. Take Pip from Great Expectations for example. That stupid boy will never be happy.