The Diary Entry

I just needed to bitch, so I wrote it all down. After realizing what I wrote, it dawned on me! I was experiencing raw feelings as a teenager. Since I am one of my own examples of the teenage experience. I thought I might share what I wrote with the rest of the world.

I am unhappy to present that almost every part of my life has fallen to shit, yet again. Hence all the dark themed posts lately. I am tired, I have no interest in anything. In short, it's safe to say I am an emotional mess.

The plan is to hide at my grandmother's house. Every time I walk into my own house, my mood goes down ten notches. When I leave it goes up five. Slowly my emotions have been depleting piece by piece.
A lot of things have been on my mind lately and I completely zoned out. My room is a mess, I've been slacking on my school work. The only thing I feel capable of accomplishing is reading about someone's miserable existence on this Earth or better yet, watching it on television.
Next complaint, not only am I getting dumb, I am getting fat. I need to escape, and make a plan to get back on track. Ugh Ef my life! Some people say stress increases endorphins, but I sincerely think that this is not the stress they are talking about!

The Big Here

It starts with, what would it be like if something happened to me. Would mom care, would a tear fall from my Father's cheeks, my step mom wouldn't even blink. No one cares.

Later your mom asks, "do you even want to be here anymore, because you're always welcome to go live with your dad." That's it the heart has shattered one thousand too many times, you've snapped. You scream "It's not that I don't want to be here, I don't want to be HERE!"

The big HERE, your mom looks confused, after a minute she gets it. The big HERE, planet earth, she realizes, that she just witnessed her own child tell her that they no longer wish they were alive. She's scared and confused and has no idea how to handle it. Her child is suicidal. No one ever thinks it will happen to them until it does.

These thoughts are normal, for anyone who is depressed, it is scary, but it occurs more often than anyone would like to admit. Even if the slightest thought comes to mind, tell some one, get help. They have no right to look at you like your insane, your depressed.

If you, or someone you know may be suicidal, please call a hot line for example:

1-800-784-2433/ 1-800-SUICIDE

You are not alone, suicide is a monster that no matter what, never deserves to win. Beat it, I did.

With tons of LOVE, Katie

Holidays and the Depressed

    Its the holidays, and the effort it takes to climb out of the bed in the morning is equivalent to the effort of pushing an elephant across the continent of Africa. Sure this is the time to be grateful for everything, but there are chemicals in the brain that  won't allow those kind of happy thoughts.
    Once, out of bed, and out doing the daily activities, putting on a face, hoping no one will notice. Those miserable feelings, the urge to cry, it's all bottled up inside. There you wish you knew what it was like to be happy.

     If you fight depression, don't let it take the holidays too. Here are a few tips.

• List a favorite Christmas song.

• List what YOU love about this time of year: focus on that and forget about everything else. It doesn't even have to be festive; it's your holiday do what you love!
• If you can't have a fantastic holiday, make it one for someone else. You can volunteer, spend time with someone who usually alone,  or make sure your little brother has the most magical holiday yet. 

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• Exercise, especially if you are depressed chances are you aren't participating in the healthiest dietary plans, how could you with all this comfort food around just waiting for a victim to drown the sorrow into it. While that might work for a little while, exercise makes endorphins, and endorphins make you happy! It's just  that simple

• Doll yourself up! That's right, put on that make up, curl that hair. Its hard not to smile when you feel pretty!